*Legal disclaimer: IIPM refers to the Indian Institute of Ponytail Management, ranked number one in its field by Split Ends magazine, recipient of the annual Scrunchy award from The Office of Unwashed Greasy Hair Shampooing (TOUGHS), and proud winner of the Dandruff and Scurf medal from The Hair Union of Gel-using Sickos (THUGS). All our faculty is drawn from the Last Chance Saloon.
1) Just what IIPM needs to further its war against bloggers. Go here and here for cocktail recipes. (Why cocktails? Because that’s the weapon of choice for the dudes over at IIPM, apparently.)
2) This Wiki entry on free speech. The good souls at IIPM seem to have left this off their syllabus, but hey, it exists.
“Wherein my client’s reputation, businesses and hairstyle, collectively referred to hereinafter as “my client’s ponytail” have been adversely and deleteriously injured by your dubious, vitiated, scurrilous, wilful, obnoxious and unfortunately accurate exercise of your right to free speech, we are now suing you for a million trillion dollars. (The firm of A Sucksena, I Sucksena, V Sucksena and U Sucksena has arrived at this figure after the most careful calculations, involving the computation of the vast advances paid to Scott Peck, Deepak Chopra, Shiv Khera, Paulo Coelho and company and bearing in mind that no such advance has yet been paid to my client, his ponytail or his chickens (hatched, unhatched or unfertilisable) and that we have no doubt you have something to do with this.
Insofar as, owing to your dubious, vitiated, scurrilous, wilful, obnoxious and unfortunately accurate exercise of your right to free speech, you have caused my client’s ponytail to shed, lose its grip, turn grey and otherwise need serious conditioning, we are extending this lawsuit which is password-protected, spellchecked and spell-checked by the firm of Potter, Weasley, Granger and Co and is guaranteed to give the recipient virtual warts, to the domains blogspot.com and blogger.com. We are equal opportunity sewers suers, and have just served a virtual copy of this lawsuit on Google.com, Technorati.com, Tim Berner-Lees and Vinton C Cerf. Eventually, everyone in the world who has ever logged on will owe us a million billion trillion dollars. “Mwahahahahahaha!, to quote the landmark Supreme Court judgement in Ponytail versus Scissors, SCJ, Vol 1 Section xviiii (b). If you have a legal response, bear in mind that any attempt to snip, shear, trim, uproot, style, fluff or otherwise tweak my client’s ponytail is grossly, contumaciously and maliciously illegal.”
4) A new capsule course for all IIPM students on Gender Sensitivity Training. The Institute hastens to reassure all applicants that they have a deep and abiding commitment to Gender Sensitivity; indeed, IIPM believes strongly that one gender, ie the non-masculine kind, is abnormally sensitive to insults of a sexual and obscene nature, and their professors will be happy to show you how to maximise and leverage that sensitivity. We regret that Professor P. Eaping Tom’s popular course, Slut 101: How To Catch Her With Her Pants Down, will not be available this year since the professor is currently on a sabbatical in a Sarkari jail on charges of voyeurism and sexual assault with battery (a standard Duracell 1.5 v that was unaccountably found in the nostrils of a buffalo–the Professor claims he and the buffalo are just good friends). However, beginner students may find the Bastards Into Trying Cheap Harassment (BITCH) forum of particular interest. We also offer advanced courses (Whore 2.5: Wankers Hitting On Respected Eves) with a special section in how to take down women who’re obviously brighter, smarter and more successful than you.
5) And, because IIPM so clearly needs it, and we love them so much, free copies of The Top Ten Mistakes Managers Make, Crisis Management for Dummies, and You Can’t Win: When to Throw in The Hand You Don’t Have.
6) Still not satisfied? Want to give till it hurts? I would have gifted IIPM a Fake Blog Generator, but clearly they have their own. Instead, how about a subscription to Splog Reporter? And if you’re reading this post and you have a Certain Ponytail, you’re going to love this piece by Mark Cuban on fake blogs and why they suck.